Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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