it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
