I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
