okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize