For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
