So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
