12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
