just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
