Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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