i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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