Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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