when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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