I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
