would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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