new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize