We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is Oprah even human
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
