He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
