Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm getting married
To pizza
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
