That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
