The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize