she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize