Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
