wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I wish there were birth control emojis
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
