shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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