If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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