New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
