Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
