Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
