apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
