Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize