living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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