If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
