Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
