she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
