walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
