omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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