Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize