I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
