Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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