Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
