Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
