Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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