So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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