Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize