pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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