whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
