hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
