Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
