thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
