I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
