Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize