tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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