So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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