are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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