Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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