I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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