you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
