So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
