Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
