My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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