so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
